Cook of Justice
by Jemu Nekketsu
Summary: Nadesico AU fic. Takes place within and after the TV events. Akito inherits a restaurant - and troubles begin anew. Chapter 3 (and the rating as well) is up!
1. What's A Sex Maniac?

"Ware wa Seigi no KUKKU!!!

A Fanfic by Jemu Nekketsu

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Nadesico. I wish I did, though.

PROLOGUE

The owner of Prince of Ramen noodle house was asleep on his futon, dreaming of sold out days and pretty customers. He was sleeping in the living quarters above the restaurant, which had been in his family's possession for an untold number of generations.

He stirred in his sleep, muttering something like, "So, pretty lady, how do you like your noodles?" He smiled lecherously, no doubt enjoying this particular dream, when a loud crashing din cut through his sleepy haze and rudely sent him back to reality.

"What in the world?" the old man wondered, rubbing his eyes. He reached for a robe, tying the sash tight, and with his feet felt around for his slippers. After getting into them, he stood, made his way toward the door, not bothering to turn on the light.

He glanced at the clock hanging on the wall, its numbers glowing green in the gloom. It was some time past two, closer to three o' clock, truth be told. He went down the stairs and headed for the kitchen area. It was here that the turned the light on. His eyes sought out the knife block, and his feet took him to it.

He pulled free a cleaver, feeling its weight in his hand. There was little heavy cutting and chopping to be done in a noodle house, but the old man believed in being prepared for all eventualities. "It looks like I might have a use for this after all," he whispered to himself. Holding the heavy knife in one hand, a flashlight from one of the cupboards in the other, he stepped out the back door to investigate.

The sound had long since faded into the wee hours – what accompanied it hadn't. The old man saw, with the light of the flashlight, that the metal garbage cans had been upturned. The contents of the biodegradable bin, thankfully, were wrapped tightly in a black plastic bag. On the other hand, the recyclables were strewn about near the tipped-over container.

"Darn blasted cats and dogs," the old man muttered. He sighed, deciding to start the day after he had cleaned up. He began to set the biodegradable waste bin upright, when he caught sight of something that didn't belong there.

It was a length of cord, probably a pendant, sans any decorative hanging, clutched in a human hand. The hand was still connected to a human forearm, which was connected to – murky darkness.

The old man aimed his flashlight at the gloom behind the waste can. And he gasped, "What's a young man doing here, this time of the day? And more to the point, where did he come from?" There was no doubt in his mind that the still unconscious man at his feet was the cause of the commotion he had heard earlier – and that the answers to his other questions.

Making a decision, he slipped the flashlight into his belt, then, with a strength and flexibility surprising in a man of his advanced years, he bent and hoisted the younger man onto one shoulder and headed inside.

It must be said at this point that the old man had lived alone in his restaurant for years, without anyone with him. A needy, old man - ­who knows what nefarious plans he had in store for the young man he had brought into his home?

_Some months later…_

It seems karma really existed, after all.

The old man lay in bed, alternately coughing and cursing his illness. By his bedside, a spiky-haired young man with brown hair looked at his withered form with worry in his eyes, a tray bearing a bowl and chopsticks in his hands.

"S- Shishou…" the young man's eyes gleamed with unshed tears.

"Akito… cough my time is near, Akito…"

"Shishou! Don't say such things! You still have a lot to teach me!"

"Akito… I shall be taken soon to my ancestors' realm… I shall face them with shame, having not done my duty to see that the restaurant, which was our inheritance for so many generations, cough should survive another generation… A punishment, I suppose, for the way I have taken advantage of you ever since I brought you here. The Prince of Ramen shall pass away to nothingness at the same time that I do."

"Taken advantage? No way, shishou! I begged to learn! I saw how your food brought smiles to tired faces, how it brightened up dreary days! I wanted to learn how to do that, too!"

"And then what? After learning all that I could impart, you would leave and set up a ramen shop of your own?"

"No! I wouldn't dream of it!"

cough, cough "

"No! It's the truth! See here? I even tried my hand at making the house special bowl! Please, shishou, taste it! Maybe it will bring you back to life!"

"Foolish pup! I know my time is upon me! But if you're that intent on having me have a last meal before I die, fine! Bring it!"

Akito knelt down near the bed, setting the tray on the floor as he helped the old man sit up. Having done that, he transferred the tray to his master's lap. And he waited.

The old man sniffed at the steam rising from the bowl. "Well, at least it smells right. But the smell is just one aspect of truly great ramen cough, cough !"

Then he lifted the bowl, and took a sip. He frowned, and picking up the chopsticks, he took a mouthful of noodles and chewed. Suddenly, he went still. He put his chopsticks down, smothered his cough with a hand, and sighed. Akito just waited in suspense.

"Three more years under me, and you would have gotten it perfect. But I don't have three years cough, cough . I might not even have three hours. Besides, there are people who need more than three years, and they're already running their own restaurants. So listen well, boy: I have decided to leave this place to you."

"Shishou-!"

"I haven't finished! Go to the chest in the corner; there's a box tied with string inside. I want you to bring the box out here."

Akito did as he was told. Upon bringing the box to his teacher, the old man undid the string, and took out a legal document. He wrote Akito's name on a blank, and signed his own name on another. "There. It is done. The place, the responsibility, the debts, and perhaps what dubious honor and fortune might come is now all yours."

Next, he gingerly took out a hardbound tome from the box. "The recipe you just followed to create this bowl of noodles, as well as other secrets, is contained in this volume. But it is not enough to follow the recipes in this book to the letter – you must make them your own, by adding your own innovations and improvements. It has been passed on thus from one master of this restaurant to his successor. Take it, and take care of it."

Akito accepted the tome with quivering hands. "Shishou, I- I'll take care of it as you did."

The old man smiled, closing his eyes and leaning back to rest his head on the pillow. "Had I a son, I would have wanted him to be just like you – except that he would have the tendency to act more forward towards women."

And with that, Akito's mentor breathed his last.

"S- SHISHOU!!!"

The old man died not long after that. After a funeral that was attended by only a handful of well-meaning neighbors, Akito retreated into his room, trying to come to grips with the old man's death. It was during this period that the Terran-Jovian war broke out, and he was conscripted, as were the other young, unattached men and women in his block. The banners and recruiters said it was their duty to go off into space and destroy the alien enemy. Akito didn't care – at the moment, he'd have taken a ticket to hell itself just to get away from the place that seemed, all of a sudden, too much for him.

Akito waited impatiently for the Nadesico to sail into port. He couldn't get away from the warship fast enough. For various reasons.

"So, Tenkawa, how does it feel to be back on Earth?"

One of those reasons had just walked up behind him and slapped him on his back. Akito winced, and turned to look at which one of his fellow pilots gave him one on the back. "Even though I'm Martian-born, I still feel like I'm coming home. Really coming home."

"Mmm-hmm. I wonder if she feels the same way."

"Huh? Who are you talking about, Gai?"

Daigouji Gai threw his arms wide. "Who else on this ship wears a short skirt, a tight jacket, has shown pointed interest towards you even someone as insensitive as I could see, and is also born on Mars? Not to mention someone you know from childhood."

"I wouldn't know, Gai. I didn't ask, and I never would dare ask her."

"Tsk, tsk. What a waste. Really, Tenkawa. I thought someone who had as much passion for old school anime such as you would have more guts to ask a simple question to a girl who has the hots for him. I'm sure Daigouji agrees with me."

Gai and Akito turned to face the newcomer. "That's what I think too, Nagare-san."

All three men had been drafted to fight the menace known to the world as the Jovian Lizards. It had been five years of hard fighting, and a lot of secrets had been revealed, some of them surprising, others just plain shocking.

Like the Jovians weren't really lizards, but they were actually a splinter part of the human population ostracized for political reasons.

Or that Nagare Akatsuki, known to his fellow pilots as 'Long Hair', was actually the president of NERGAL, the company who had commissioned the construction of the Nadesico.

Or that the assistant operator, Erina, was the NERGAL president's sex- er, secretary.

Or that Daigouji Gai was a Jovian sleeper agent left on Earth, which explained his Gekiganger obsession, often associated with Jovian males. In the end though, his obsession to remain true to the ideals of Gekiganger (friendship, justice, and a burning way of life) played against the Jovians and made him stay with his friends.

Megumi Reinard, the ship's communication officer, announced over the PA, "We'll drop anchor, so to speak, in five minutes. Everyone is invited to stay for the farewell party. This is Meg-chan, signing off for the last time. See you all later!"

It was the longest five minutes in Akito's whole life.

The party was great, but still Akito couldn't wait to get away from it. He was uncomfortable in some way, whenever Captain Yurika Misumaru, Megumi, or fellow pilot Ryoko Subaru was in the vicinity. It must have been the time they tried to make him taste their ideas of 'home-cooked' meals, he thought. The dishes the food had been placed in had to be decontaminated, as was the kitchen after they were done with it. Jun Aoi, a bridge officer, was even sent to the infirmary after trying just a bit of Captain Misumaru's creation. As for Erina's efforts – Akito shook his head. She had better stick to being Akatsuki's personal sex- uh, secretary.

He felt a burning urge to see the restaurant, and after making his excuses and goodbyes, took a bus and headed for the working district. He couldn't wait anymore.

It was dark when he reached the block where his restaurant and home was, but even the gloom could not prevent him from realizing that something was wrong with his place. Maybe it was the way the old-fashioned metal padlock and chains glinted in the faint light of the street lamps.

Taking a deep breath, Akito willed himself to relax, and slowly proceeded to extend his awareness to probe the inside of the building. Square foot by square foot, he let his senses roam, as he had learned to do so after reading it in the scribbled notes inside the book his master had left him.

The notes, written in his master's nearly illegible scrawl, claimed that this was a good way to find out whether the broth was just done or perfect, without having to taste the liquid directly. It also made for an efficient listing tool – without opening cupboards and drawers, he could tell which items were there.

Akito liked to think he had gone one step beyond what his master had done with this strange ability – he could tell, for example, whether someone was waiting in the next corner, whether it was a he or a she, if said person was in good health, hungry, tired, depressed – all that, without even seeing the person, at a distance of forty feet. It was very useful in gaining information during the time Akito went against orders and single-handedly rescued Gai where he was being held by the Jovians after being captured and tried as a traitor.

"Leave me be, Tenkawa. Can't you see, I'm an enemy? I'm a heartless Jovian Lizard. I betrayed my comrades, my friends," Gai had spoken to him after Akito had boson jumped into the cell.

"Do you really believe I'd believe all those Jovian lies about my friend, who also happens to be a Gekiganger fanatic?" Akito asked, smiling as he worked on the inhibitor cuffs with his tools.

"Friend?" Gai asked back, stunned.

"Yes, Gai, friend. Let those Jovian bastards try and execute Jiroh Yamada. As far as I'm concerned, I'm breaking out my buddy, hotshot pilot Gai Daigouji. Just gimme some time, okay?"

Soon, the inhibitor cuffs, so called because they cancelled boson jumping - and if it was to be believed other faculties - in the person they were attached to, were lying on the floor. Gai rubbed his arms, letting the circulation restore itself, as Akito placed his kit back into his pack. After a moment's hesitation, he stuffed the inhibitors in a canister, and stowed it away as well.

"What are you planning to do with that inhibitor?" Gai asked.

"I think I'll let Dr. Fress-" Akito never finished his sentence, as the cell door suddenly burst inward and he was shoving both of their selves away from the spray of automatic fire from a pair of Jovian guards standing in the doorway. He had sensed their presence almost too late – they must have been very highly trained, with great self-discipline.

"Kisama!" Gai bit out as a slug got him.

"Gai! Hang on!" Akito cried. Quickly priming a proximity grenade, he hurled it at the door, and taking Gai's hand, began to mentally produce an image of the infirmary aboard the Nadesico, but quickly amended it to an image of Dr. Ines Fresanjeu.

"We're getting out of here now!" Akito shouted.

Thanks to his efforts, Gai received medical aid in time. "I've stopped the bleeding," Ines announced, "But unless he replaces all the blood he's lost, we might still lose him." Motioning to Akito and Akatsuki to carry the unconscious Gai to the infirmary, she added, "Alright, everyone, I want your blood – assuming you're compatible with his type."

"I don't think he's my type – I don't even type that well," Izumi quipped in her usual deadpan voice.

"We'll see, Pilot Maki. We'll all see later."

It turned out later that it was only Hikaru Amano that could give blood to Gai, what with everyone else's blood being riddled with various antigens or with certain vaccine antibodies that made them unsuitable donors.

"Well, Hikaru, it looks like you're it," a relieved Ryoko informed her friend. "V!"

"You make it sound like I'm going off to battle," Hikaru complained.

"What does one use this for, I wonder," said Izumi, holding up a long syringe needle.

Akito, who was sitting by Gai's bedside, looked up, saw the needle, and blanched. Hikaru did the same and fainted dead away.

"Okay, is everybody ready? Huh?" Ines stopped, looking at Hikaru. "What's wrong with her?"

"She's just put herself in a deep trance. Nothing to worry about," Ryoko blurted out.

Those very same senses told him that someone, no, two someones had taken residence in his home while he was away. Female, he thought. Males felt different, he couldn't explain it in words, but they felt infinitely different from females. He had tried it one time with the Nadesico crew – they played musical Aesties, with the three women and Gai hiding in the cockpits of the five standard Aesties, as Akatsuki's pilot pit hatch refused to cooperate. He had his back turned as they took their choices. All five times, he had picked out the one where Gai was hiding in.

The intruders were most definitely female, Akito decided. Not athletically-oriented, but not sickly, indicating a lack of extensive physical development caused by avoiding physical games, or perhaps they were just young. Maybe both, Akito thought, could be a couple of female urchins. But how did they get past the padlock, and the security system he'd had installed as well before leaving for the war? That was what he wanted to know. Grimly, he made his toward the door, noting curiously that the alarm was active and armed. Whoever had taken residence had disabled the alarm, let themselves in, and reset it.

"I'm dealing with a couple of pint-sized female thieves, it seems. Shishou must be twisting in his grave now, lamenting with his honored ancestors how their shrine has been desecrated." He grinned, entering the key that would let him in. His grin faded soon enough.

"Incorrect entry code. You have two tries remaining. On your third false code entry, the nearest police station will be alerted of your attempt," a digitized voice informed him.

"Crap! They changed the codes too?!" Akito thought wildly. "That's it!" Concentrating, he readied himself for shock action. Coaxing his body to secrete adrenalin into his bloodstream – another trick learned from his master's book that the old man had used to counter tiredness during heavy hours – he did some warm-up kicks and test punches. He then focused on the image of his bedroom, outlining in detail his bed, a true bed, not a futon, and blinked.

From the rooftop of a nearby building, a dark figure rose to his feet. That brief flash of light after which the spiky-haired young man could no longer be seen – it was a boson jump. It also made things a lot more complicated for them – but no matter. Their leader would see it as a challenge, and as such, would find a way to surmount it. He struck his staff on the cement, and vanished in the same way as their quarry did.

The dark bedroom blazed white, and as the glow faded Akito made out his two temporary tenants. He had the impression of thin, wiry limbs, large, frightened eyes, and long, waist-length hair. The last observation struck him as odd. In his idea of street-bound waifs, they all had short, unruly hair. What he saw was hair that looked like it had been taken care of well. Belatedly he remembered that he had purchased shampoo and soap by the bulk, before leaving for the war.

"Good evening, girls. How did you find my place?" Adjusting his eyes to the gloom, he kept watch on his two guests, and backed until his hand felt the light switch. He flipped it on, and smiled grimly as two pairs of gold eyes struggled to bring him into focus. He could tell that they were frightened, but the taller one – the one with pale lilac hair, and perhaps the older – she looked like she was looking for an opportunity to bolt with her companion.

He took a step toward them holding his arms out, palms exposed, in a gesture that supposedly indicated he was unarmed and didn't intend anyone any harm – yet. What everyone didn't know was that particular stance was actually the beginning stance of a martial arts kata series, which Akito's late master had called the Way of the Wok.

The taller girl – Akito hazarded her age to be around 17, and the younger one he pegged from 10 to 12 – pulled her companion toward her and took two steps back, glancing at the window behind her, which he noted was unlatched for a quick getaway. "I sure hope you aren't thinking of jumping down – that window's 4 meters above the road. You could break your neck easily."

"I'll take my chances, thank you very much," the lilac-haired girl replied.

Akito was surprised. She didn't sound like a street urchin – not that he spent time talking to street urchins. Still, the way she said her words reminded him of a movie he once saw. The way she spoke was the way a princess spoke – how the princess in the movie spoke. It was cool, and chillingly polite. "That is your prerogative, princess, but will you take chances with your sister's neck as well?"

The taller girl stopped short. Akito wondered whether it was at being called a princess – surely she was too young to understand sarcasm – or the reminder that she had a companion that gave her pause. Then the smaller girl spoke up.

"I'm sorry, Ruri-san. I've been a burden, and this is my entire fault."

"Baka. None of this is your fault, Lapis."

Akito gave her a quick once-over. She barely topped his chest, with pink hair falling to her waist, and the identical eerie golden gaze of her companion. Her voice was also eerie - it was the voice of someone who knew how to speak but often chose not to do so often. He reasoned that it was because she had not yet hit puberty, but still, her voice was rather low, as if she was always whispering in a place that prohibited conversation.

"So, you're Ruri, and you're Lapis," Akito said, pointing to each in turn and nodding to himself. In that moment of inattention, Ruri darted to the window and threw it open, and without looking back, flung an arm out to grab Lapis and pull her after her.

Only to encounter solid male flesh instead of that of a frail young girl. Ruri's eyes went wide, and she risked a backward glance. "Lapis."

Akito had both of Lapis' wrists secured in one hand, and was holding Ruri's wrist in the other. "I really must insist that you stop this foolishness of trying to jump out the window. Someone could get hurt- yeow!"

Lapis' shin connected solidly with the apex of Akito's legs, and Ruri used this instant to deliver her own kick to his gut. Horrified and wrenching in acute pain, Akito Tenkawa, war hero from the Nadesico, went down. Still, his grip did not waver, and thus pulled both girls down as well. _On top of him, _to boot.

"Lapis, try to get free, quick! We're dealing with a sex maniac here! Why didn't that encyclopedia you call your brain contain that vital piece of information?"

"My brain is not an encyclopedia – it just remembers everything it has read, heard, seen – anything I've sensed. I don't even know what a sex maniac is."

"You will! We will, if we don't get away from here quick!"


	2. Some Gai Moves On With His Life

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Nadesico. I don't own Kyosuke, Excellen, the white-haired lolicon, and the yellow-haired lolicon.

Chapter 1

The naturalization papers finally arrived in the mail. Gai picked up a large brown envelope from the mail bin and opened it. He read the text on one sheet.

"… Shall not undertake commitments or participate in groups and demonstrations of groups against the Earth Dominion…"

It made sense. After all, what self-respecting state would allow for dissenters and would-be traitors in the ranks of its refugees? A small smile on his lips, he replaced the documents and headed into his apartment, only to come back for the bottle of milk perched on the front step.

It had been some time now. Gai no longer flinched at being called a refugee. He had accepted it, much as Akito had accepted him as a friend. In his heart, he no longer felt that he was a Jovian – the papers in the morning's mail proved it to the bright blue Earth. He wasn't a traitor – a traitor was one who betrayed his friends and family, and he had none among the Jovians. A small twinge of something rose in him – taunting him, asking him inside how long it would be before he betrayed the Earthlings as well. He ruthlessly squelched it. A man rarely got a second chance to go through with life – and no way was he, Daigouji Gai, going to mess this up.

A sudden thought came to him. Opening the envelope once more, he scanned the first one he could reach carefully, and let out a gasp. He moved on to the other documents, and by the time he had looked through all of them, he was in a rage.

"Bastards! My name is not Yamada Jiro! That is a name for someone who is a chained hound of a heartless, mindless, military club! The true name of my soul is Daigouji Gai!"

Upset that the registry office did not honor his choice of names, Gai did the only thing a ticked off ex-Jovian soldier would do under the circumstances. He took a walk.

Gai paid no attention to where his walk was taking him. He passed schools, a busy shopping district, a movie house which proclaimed to all and sundry "Gekiganger V movie, Now Showing!" when he bumped into someone. Hard.

"Itai!" said a female voice.

"Oi, ano, gomen ne," Gai began, then looked at the person he accidentally mowed down, His eyebrows, along with his voice, rose. "Amano Hikaru-san?"

"Aa, Daigouji-san? Is it really you?" Hikaru asked, fumbling with her glasses, which had been knocked askew.

Gai got to his feet, and reaching down, pulled Hikaru up to hers. He had an apologetic grin on his lips. "Sorry about that. I have a lot on my mind."

"It's ok. I wasn't hurt at all – I've been shaken and thrown a lot worse than that when we were in the war, or have you forgotten we fought alongside each other?"

"He he, you're right."

"So, what brings you to this part of town? Are you here to see the movie?"

Gai looked at the posters, and smiled. "No, why should I? I have it on disc, as well as the whole Gekiganger 3 series," he said off-handedly.

"You do? All the episodes, until the last battle on the moon?"

"I even have some of the 'hidden' and 'removed' episodes too. I could show you my collection sometime, if you like."

"Why not now?"

"Excuse me?"

"Why don't we go now? You do have a player at your place, right?"

"You just finished a two-hour movie, Amano-san. Aren't your eyes in need of a break?"

"Gai – may I call you that?" At his nod, Hikaru continued. "I draw manga for a living now. It entails staring at a white sheet, some lines, and a lot of text for hours on end. During deadline rushes I work non-stop as soon as I've finished breakfast, and stop only for meals. I think I can handle a 26-episode marathon."

"Fifty-two."

"Excuse me?"

"Gekiganger 3 has 52 episodes, and if you insist on watching the 'forbidden' episodes, you'll be watching around 60 episodes of Gekiganger. Each episode runs for half an hour each, with no eyecatches for commercials."

Hikaru was undaunted. "I still want to see all of it." She took his arm and started walking, dragging him behind her.

"Amano-san?"

"Please, call me Hikaru. Only my editor calls me Amano-san, and I get the feeling he wants to get into my pants. So please..."

"You're wearing a skirt, Ama – iya, Hikaru."

"I'm aware of that."

"Do you know where I live?"

The question brought Hikaru up short. Then with a sunny smile, she turned to answer Gai. "As it happens, no, I don't believe I know where you stay."

"Well, then," Gai started to say, but was interrupted by a loud, growling noise. To his amusement, blood rushed to Hikaru's cheeks. "I suppose you woke up late, no doubt from working through the night, saw on your calendar that today is the first day showing of the movie, and decided to watch it without having breakfast."

"Well, yes. But I bought something to eat while I was in there."

Without warning, Gai took one of Hikaru's hands, then the other. He held them close to his eyes. Hikaru was sputtering her protests, which died abruptly when Gai lifted his head a little and took a sniff. "Takoyaki, in sweet bean and tomato sauce, unless I miss my guess." He looked up, and saw her face. "What's wrong?"

"People are staring at us." Hikaru didn't sound too worried or concerned about the fact. Another rumble was heard. "That wasn't me!"

"No, that was me. I also went off without breakfast earlier. Unlike you, though, I didn't have a snack of any sort to fortify me in my walk."

"Then it's decided! Our first priority is to go someplace where we could eat, don't you agree?"

Gai mentally counted how much money he had on his person at the moment. Not too much, he thought. Being a war hero had its advantages, notably a pension of sorts, but it was just enough to support a man of his needs with very little or none allotted for vanities and things not falling under necessities; things such as going to a movie, or eating outside, or spending a day in town. It was, he decided, high time to get another source of income.

Mooching off an eccentric professor who had infinite funds to build and repair large humanoid weapons of destruction would be wonderful, but they were as abundant as hen's teeth here. Being a Jovian, in itself, was an occupation – all Jovian males of the right age were considered soldiers and received salaries. On the other hand, all Jovian young females had to do was to look good in school uniforms – assuming they weren't 'appealing' anymore, the government offered them a pension. It was so grossly unfair, and Gai was once again glad he had defected to the Terran side.

"Are you going to stare at me all day, Gai? It's not that I'm not able to appreciate admiration from the male of the species, but I would rather not be about to faint from hunger while being admired."

Gai realized he had been staring at Hikaru intently. "I'm sorry. I must be spacing out from my own hunger as well. As it happens, I do know of a place where we can get a great meal and a discount to boot."

"Really? Lead on, then!"

"Saa! Iku ze! Before the lunch crowds arrive!!" Gai took Hikaru's hand and started run, a grin playing on his lips. Laughing, Hikaru allowed herself to be dragged along.

If the panicked-looking crowd wasn't enough to warn the two otaku that something was wrong at their destination, the sounds of hand-to-hand fighting and collateral damage going through the roof surely would have. Gai and Hikaru exchanged glances.

"Do we wait it out, or do we investigate now?" Hikaru asked.

"My gut senses tells me that action is the better part of valor here." Gai began to approach the door of the ramen house carefully.

A black-robed body flew out of the doorway to land on the sidewalk. It groaned once, and then sank into unconsciousness. An indignant voice cried out from inside.

"You're not getting any of the girls, you perverted monks! Now get out of here before you really tick me off!!!"

Gai and Hikaru exchanged amazed glances. They _knew_ that voice.

"Cover my back?" Gai asked Hikaru.

"Okay. But be ready to help me out when I shriek, alright?"

"Of course," Gai replied.

They peeked around the doorway, taking in the situation. It didn't look good.

"Gai, that's Tenkawa inside, isn't it?" Hikaru whispered.

"Yes, it's definitely him," Gai whispered back.

"What do you think he meant when he cried something about 'the girls?'"

"I think he's referring to a couple of kids hiding up the staircase, keeping watch on the proceedings."

"What – oh, I can't see it from my side, I guess. It's 3 against 1, stacked against him."

"Not anymore, Hikaru. We'll be helping him out with a little surprise attack form the rear. How far did your close combat fighting training go?"

"Basic. All the instructors at boot camp told me I was fast enough to compensate for my lack of muscle or natural aptitude, though."

"Good. That is very good news."

They peered in again, to see the 'monks' as Akito called them, brandish iron tipped quarterstaffs. Akito adopted a weird stance, hands outstretched as if to show he had no weapons.

"Gai? What about your close combat training?"

"All Jovians were trained extensively aboard the motherships' barracks." He left out the fact that as a sleeper, priority was given to his 'subterfuge' skills – meaning that on the same scale, he and Hikaru had equivalent training. He had size and hot blood going for him, though.

"A strange twist of fate has delivered all we seek into our hands, Tenkawa Akito. The Book of Apocrypha has been handed to your pathetic care, and we shall take it," the first monk intoned in a somber voice.

"She who is a girl, yet was never a daughter, the key to unlocking the secrets of the tome, we shall take also from your inadequate guardianship," the second monk hissed.

"And the runaway royal princess of Peaceland – with such a bargaining chip, untold possibilities will open for us, which you will never realize or have time to take advantage of," the third one said in a singsong voice.

"Now, listen up, you three, I have no idea what you're babbling about, but unless you each want a serving of knuckle sandwich with a can of whoop-ass on the side, I suggest you get out of here and forget about taking Lapis and Ruri from me."

"Three against one? Do not make us laugh. Do you really think you can win against all of us at once?"

"Why not? I've been outnumbered worse than that during the war, and three versus one aren't impossible odds, just tough ones. And I will beat you, _because I don't mind tough odds!_" Akito ended in a yell as he rushed the three.

Somewhere far, far away, in another universe or reality, a pilot with yellow highlights in his brown hair gasped in sudden pain as he accidentally bit his tongue. The odd thing was, he wasn't chewing anything at the moment.

His strawberry-blonde companion at the cafeteria table looked up. "Kyosuke, are you alright?" she asked. "What happened to you?"

"I bit my tongue. I'll lay odds that someone is stealing my lines, or making a parody of it."

"Shouldn't you have sneezed instead?"

"That's if I was being talked about, Excellen."

The fight was brief, but intense. When Akito hit the enemy lines, Gai and Hikaru charged as well, yelling their own battle cries and succeeding in grabbing the enemies' attention. That proved to be their downfall. Akito delivered a punch which his target tried to block with his staff, but the staff broke under the force of the clenched fist and proceeded to connect with the monk's face. The crunch of snapped wood and broken bone echoed sickly, causing the two albino girls on top of the stairs to flinch and close their eyes, a dull thud indicating that his opponent was out for the count. They opened them, just in time, to see Akito deliver a vicious chop to the nape of Hikaru's opponent, who was focusing all his attention at landing a blow on her. He went down, hard. Akito was turning to aid Gai, when his victorious shout of "GAI SUPER NAPALM!!!" rang out and he sent the third monk slamming into a wall, shaking the house. The monk never knew what hit him, as he slid unceremoniously to the floor, joining the other debris scattered around.

The three former shipmates were panting with exertion. They straightened from their crouches, unsure of what to do next. The situation was saved from being totally awkward by the sound of feet rushing down the stairs to survey the scene.

"Did you know those men, Akito-nii-san?" Ruri asked.

"It's the first time I saw those guys. But tell me, why did they seem convinced that you're a runaway princess of some crappily-named country, and what's this about Lapis being the key to some thing?"

Lapis did not say anything, just stared at Gai and Hikaru who were, at the moment, eyeing the battlefield for someplace to sit down on. Akito noted the direction of her gaze and grinned.

"Where are my manners? Gai, Hikaru, these are my wards, Ruri, the taller one, and Lapis. Girls, meet Jiro Yamada, who prefers to be called Gai Daigouji -"

"I'll legalize my name change soon, so better get used to calling me Gai," Gai interrupted.

"- And this lady here is Hikaru Amano. She was also onboard the Nadesico during the war, and she fought bravely alongside me and Gai."

"Pleased to meet you," Hikaru greeted them with a cheerful, if tired, smile.

A stomach growled, causing the three adults to grin wryly. "There's nothing like a brawl before lunch to whet the appetite, eh, Hikaru?" Gai asked jokingly.

"I wouldn't know, Gai. I don't make it a habit to eat in restaurants that are owned by friends," Hikaru caught the conversation serve, and batted it into Akito's court.

"Hey, what gives you the idea that I own this place?" Akito retorted.

"A few things. One, there are no other man's shoes in the stoop near the door, where the _employees and employers _are supposed to leave their shoes. Two, you're the only one in a cook's apron around here," Hikaru pointed out.

"And three!" Gai added, "You're still wearing that cook's uniform that they put on you when you climbed aboard the Nadesico. I can spot that distinctive yellow and black thing anywhere!"

"Cook's uniform?" Ruri asked suspiciously.

"Was a space battle ship's kitchen such a dangerous place?" Lapis wanted to know.

"It is! It is!" Akito went about, trying to salvage some seating for his guests. "Hazards include various acids, irritants, hot objects, exploding gas lines, blade and other pointy items, electrocution-"

"Not to mention love-struck women who cook up poisons worse than any bio-chemical weapon made by man and force you to taste-test them," Hikaru finished with a grin.

"Love-struck women?" Ruri repeated woodenly.

"Aaaaaaaanyway, since you two dropped by for a meal and ended up helping me out against those wackos-" Akito began.

"Speaking of which, they've disappeared," Lapis deadpanned.

That got their attention. They took quick, searching glances around, but the black-robed monks in straw hats were nowhere to be seen.

"Let's all get something to eat, then figure this mess out. It's been one hell of a morning," Akito said.

"Tell me about it," Gai retorted.

In the end, they settled on sitting on the wooden floor and having some Tenkawa-style special ramen. While they ate, Gai pulled Akito aside while Hikaru decided to try and bond with the girls.

"Where'd you get them?" Gai asked.

"The girls? I caught them making themselves at home – Ruri's a lock-breaker – and offered them a place to stay, provided they stayed out of trouble and made themselves useful. Ruri does some cleaning, and you should see them when they tally up the day's sales. They'd give calculators a run for their power cells. They _race_ each other to see who totals the numbers fastest, and the longest they ever took was ten seconds. Lapis wins, usually, by one second."

"Wow," was all Gai could say, stealing a glance at the women.

"My turn to ask – why did you and Hikaru show up, together, in my restaurant?"

Gai related the events leading to their visit to Akito's shop, watching Hikaru amuse the girls with her ever-present spring-loaded eyeballs. "This is really good stuff, Tenkawa," Gai said, finishing the remaining broth in his bowl. "Mind if I have seconds?"

"I don't mind. Go ahead, Gai, help yourself."

"Thanks. Say, you're insured, aren't you?"

"Yeah, but I'd rather not add cleaning up to their list of duties. I don't want the company to take the clearing expenses out of my policy. I'm gonna do it myself."

"I can help."

"You sure?"

Gai grinned. "Sure. Just feed me on the day when I'll be using elbow grease, and you can forget about my fees."

Over the next few days, Akito's shop was restored. He even had the signage changed. On the sign was written in kanji "Yami no" and in katakana "PU-RI-N-SU." Akito never claimed mastery in English, but the person who made the sign had even less. Akito wanted "Prince's Yummy" on the sign.

Gai dropped by one day and saw the sign. "Prince of Darkness? That doesn't sound too inviting to customers, Tenkawa."

"I know. I've been trying to get the man I commissioned for this sign, but his answering machine says that he's out of town." He pulled out a card and showed it to Gai.

"Mocker-E Company Names and Signs? I've heard of this company. They made the signs for the newest additions in my block. There's the mobile telephone company, 'Just Communications,' there's a disco, 'Rhythm 'n' Motion,' a ballroom dancing school called 'Endless Waltzing,' a grill restaurant called 'HEAT,' and many others."

"You say all these outfits got their names from this company?" Akito asked, horrified at the puns.

"Yes, if what I've heard from my landlords are true."

"Hum. I sense a conspiracy," Akito declared.

"Say, what are your plans to raise the cash to replenish your insurance policy?"

"That was easy enough. I had Ruri waiting on tables and Lapis manning the cashier window. Sales boosted overnight, let me tell you. I'm planning to add a video karaoke unit in one corner to lure more businessmen-types."

"Just be careful you don't draw in the lolicon-types. Like those two," Gai said, inclining his head toward two men in red military type uniforms. "A Lieutenant, that's the one with yellow hair, and a Major, the one with white hair and a katana strapped to his waist."

"What the – you can spot those types?" Akito asked, amazed. "Wanna work as a bouncer of sorts for me? I can't guarantee wages, but your meals are on the house. There's board if you want it as well."

Gai might be impulsive, but he wasn't stupid. "I believe I'll take you up on that offer, old friend."


	3. Everyone Loves A Good Mystery

Chapter Three – Delicious Mysteries?

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: The following work contains some scenes of violence (but not gore) against yaoi fans, as well as some rather racy heterosexual scenes between Akito and Yurika. If you think you know you will be offended by such, or are going to end up scarred for life because of such, please do not read further. I write for fun, and hope that my audience grins occasionally when reading my work. If you get mad or experience unfavorable reactions at any point while reading my work, well, that's no fun, and I would advise you to stop reading this story._

**DISCLAIMER: Characters from Nadesico and parodies of characters from Banpresto are not my property. This is very important, people.**

Now that Gai had accepted Akito's offer to be the restaurant's stay in bouncer, he was privy to the morning rituals of the Tenkawa household. Right now, in dawn's early light, he and Akito were preparing for the coming day the only way they knew how – stretching and exercising. But while Gai worked on loosening and strengthening his limbs, he noticed that Akito was doing an entirely different set of exercises. Said exercises involved the use of simple, common kitchen equipment – rolling pins, chopping boards, spatulas, and knives of various array, bowls and pans of all sizes. Akito went through a routine of sorts, swinging the implements this way and that, flipping them through the air and catching them. Gai watched, bemused, his own regimen temporarily forgotten.

Akito finished his exercises, his bare back and forehead beaded in sweat. He sharpened his senses, listening for the telltale internal silent shrieking of yaoi writers / fangirls, Satisfied that there were none in the vicinity, he set about putting the equipment into a box. Then Gai spoke up. "For a while there, I thought you were waiting for someone to reveal himself as a target for those knives and other stuff of yours."

Akito faced Gai, and gave him an appraising glance. No one would mistake Gai for a bodybuilder, or a gym buff – there was little definition in his muscles, but Akito knew the strength that lay coiled within his tall frame. He didn't even need to do his sensing trick to know that. Somehow, when one looked at Gai, he always seemed to radiate a sense of readiness, as if sending out the message "I'm willing to take you on, but don't expect to win from the onset." Akito would have preferred Gai's 'message' to say "Buzz off, or get busted," but that wouldn't have been good for customers. He remembered that Gai was a bouncer for the restaurant, not a bodyguard for the girls.

It was a Saturday morning – no school, except for those who needed make-up classes or advanced reviews for the college entrance exams. It meant that the two girls could sleep a little while longer. 'Stewing and simmering' Akito called it, when the girls had to get up but didn't want to. All and well, he supposed, taking the Tome of Apocrypha and reading a bit more of it. Thanks to Lapis Lazuli, the _verso_ pages of the book were scribbled with translation notes. From those notes Akito found out various things, like the dumpling recipe that cured all minor ailments, to the way of bettering and protecting one's self using various kitchen implements. That was what he was practicing earlier outside, which Ruri irreverently nicknamed "Cook-Fu." Lapis had laughed, and the name stuck. He still didn't have the nerve to tell Gai what the girls had named it, though. He'd probably die laughing, and Akito knew from experience that funerals were expensive.

He heard a knock on the door, and frowned as he stood to get it. It was Saturday morning, so who could it be? He stopped near the door and called out, "Who is it?"

"Just an ex-pilot turned manga artist, who sidelines as a black monk fighter," came the cheerful reply.

Grinning, Akito pulled the door open, not realizing that he had forgotten to put his shirt back on. "Hey, what's up Hikaru – oh? I didn't realize you had company…" Akito's voice trailed off.

Standing at his doorstep was Hikaru Amano, sworn into secrecy in light of last episode's events, and just behind her was the blue-haired, blue-eyed captain of the Nadesico under whom Akito served, pun intended. Who, at the moment, was staring at Akito's chest, her cheeks turning red and her ears filled with the repetition of "doki doki doki." Hikaru spoke, breaking the spell on Yurika. "Wow, Tenkawa, mind if I stare too?"

Akito realized that the cool morning air felt very good on his bare chest, as did the sunlight – wait, his _bare _chest? "Gyah! Er, uh," he stammered, trying to decide whether to invite his visitors in before or after he put his shirt on.

Yurika spoke up as if reading his thoughts. "You put your shirt on after you've let your guests in."

"Won't I look I look like a pervert to the neighbors if I let in a couple of attractive women in my house, without my shirt on?" Akito asked Yurika as Hikaru passed by him.

"You see any of your neighbors up?" she asked back.

"No."

"There you go. And besides," Yurika paused in front of Akito, placing her index finger on his sternum, "I like looking at it."

Hikaru called out from the kitchen, "Hey, I didn't see Gai when I came in. Where is he?"

"Maybe he's in the shower, I dunno."

The sound of water being cut off, then of a door opening, was followed by a feminine shriek of surprise and a masculine wordless roar of outrage. And then:

"Gai! Your towel! Ecchi!"

"It's not like I meant for it to fall of in your presence!"

"Why is that thing pointing at me! Hentai! Sukebe!"

Gai thought up of something fast. "It's called morning wood, woman! A natural biological condition that affects healthy young males in the mornings!"

"Natural? Mornings? Does that mean if I caught you out of the shower in the afternoon, that thing wouldn't be there?" Hikaru demanded.

"Of - " Gai was about to say of course, but he played the scenarios out in his head. If he said that it wouldn't be there, she might get offended because it implied that she wasn't a sufficient excuse enough to cause an erection. On the other hand, if he said that it would still be there, he'd turn out to be a liar, refuting his own statement. It was a lose-lose situation, so Gai did the only thing a man could do in his shoes – get outraged, and get on the offensive. "Of all the things to ask! Will you take a rain check on that answer until I get properly dressed, or do you enjoy talking to naked men fresh out of the shower in the morning? If that's too much to ask, just head out to the living room and keep Akito and Yurika company."

He didn't bother to wait for her reaction, just made his way upstairs toward his room when Hikaru's voice called his name. "What is it now?"

"I can't go back out there!" She sounded mortified.

"Why ever not? It's not on fire, is it?"

"But it is! Our friends are doing a pretty good job of setting off whatever heat detectors are in this place on their own!"

Gai was torn between taking a peek to verify the truth of Hikaru's words, and getting into some clothes. Curiosity won out. Arranging his towel as carefully as he could around his waist, he went down the stairs again, choosing to lean out on the same side of the doorway that Hikaru was. His eyes widened at what he saw.

Yurika's sundress was in a heap on the floor, its wearer stretched out on her stomach over a shirtless Akito lying down on the sofa. Her hands were caressing his shoulders, and in return his hands were tracing the smooth curves of her buttocks, the silken skin interrupted only by the bare lines of a thong-style bikini bottom. She lifted herself a little and slid upward, and he closed the needed few inches to capture a budding nipple in his mouth. She moaned, and he groaned against her breast, the two of them totally oblivious to their hot and bothered friends, and to the gnashing of teeth of Akito-Gai yaoi proponents everywhere.

Hikaru heard, or rather felt Gai's heavy breathing, and wondered if she was breathing in the same manner, and why Gai was standing behind her when there was a perfectly good side of the doorframe opposite hers to watch the intensifying action going on in the living room. All thoughts flew from her head however, when she felt something hard and hot sear bottom through the fabric of her underwear. Belatedly she realized that Gai's towel must have fallen off, again ("_Yeah, right," Hikaru thought.), _but why was _that thing_ rubbing against her panties? She was absently rubbing her butt against that hard and hot _thing_, and her over-heated mind came up with the conclusion that Gai must have lifted the hem of her short plaid skirt, let it fall around his member carefully, and was now tormenting her with it. She was congratulating herself silently when Gai whispered a question into her ear. "Jealous?"

"A little," she replied, not taking her eyes off the couple on the couch. They had now switched positions, with Akito propped on his elbows and leaning down over Yurika to tease her nipples with his tongue. Her hands were around the back of his head, holding him to her chest, her mouth breathily chanting her lover's name over and over.

"Well, we can't have that. I've got something that'll make you feel a whole lot better." Gai nuzzled her ear, then her neck, sending shivers down her spine.

"Mmm, I'll just bet you do."

"No, really, it's in my room. Come on up, and I'll show it to you."

"Mmm. Okay. Lead on."

"I've got a better idea." Gai stepped back a little to get some space, then scooped Hikaru off the ground and held her against his chest. She giggled, wrapping her arms around him. He took the stairs two at a time, intent on showing her _the thing_ that would make her feel a lot better.

On the rooftop of a nearby apartment that overlooked the restaurant, two men were laughing maniacally. "It worked! My improved batch of Happy-Happy Love-Love chemical is a tremendous success! Those fools won't even have two brain cells to rub together to notice that they're acting rather out of character! Nyahahaha!" one of them, wearing a stereotypical mad chemist getup (stoppered vials and sealed Petri dishes peeking out from his coat pockets) boasted.

"Matte! Don't forget that without my Extra Omnipotent Technology, you wouldn't be able to pour your brew into the interior of the place using a tiny wormhole, and you would have been detected in 3 seconds flat by the extraordinary senses of that extra-lucky cook!" the second man reminded the first. He was wearing an outfit that might have caused him to be mistaken for an appliance salesman. He crossed his arms over his chest and laughed like a B-movie villain.

"Yes, yes, never mind that. And not even those two little pieces of lolicon bait can interfere with our plans – the chemical renders active, robust specimens under the age of twenty trapped in a deep slumber that is totally un-differentiable from regular sleep! REM, alpha waves, all normal! Hyukyukyukyuk!"

"Does that mean, theoretically, that if I were to crawl into their rooms and draw teeny-weeny circles on their tummies, they wouldn't wake up?"

"Hell, you can do more than draw circles on their tummies, and not just with your hands, and they wouldn't even notice! You can even stick your CENSORED into their CENSORED and CENSORED like there's no tomorrow, and they still wouldn't wake up! They'd wake up only when the last of the drug leaves their system – it's that powerful! You'd love that wouldn't you, you closet pedophile."

The two continued to trade barbs, when a voice caught their attention. "So, it's you two who would conspire to have a disciple of the great art of cookery to bow down to the altar of debauchery! This cannot be allowed! In the name of the Great Master Chef in the Sky, I shall punish you!"

The two men spun, looking for the owner of the voice. "There!" the appliance salesman pointed up, to a figure standing on the apartment's water tank. "Who are you that dares disturb us? Speak your name!"

"My name?" the mysterious man replied. "You do not deserve to know my name! Change, Whirlwind Power, TROMBE!"

"Hey, where's that weird trumpet orchestra sound coming from?" the mad scientist asked.

"Never mind that! This guy looks like trouble!" the appliance man said, drawing a high-tech pistol from his pants pocket.

"Wow - so that was a pistol in your pocket!"

"Shut up, old man, and get out of my way if you're no help at all."

"AHEM!" said the mysterious man.

"What?" asked the two evildoers.

"You're supposed to turn all your attention to me while I transform! Lousy idiots!"

"Really?" the pair asked, astounded at this unknown fact.

"Of course! We dashing, blonde, elegant fighters for justice must have full attention when we are trying to change into our combat forms, which mainly consists of a change of color palettes and sometimes a mask! Otherwise, there will be no big fight scene!"

"But that's just it," the appliance man said, aiming his pistol. "We don't want a big fight that would ruin our cozy set-up here, but we still need to be rid of you. So, we'll settle for a small scuffle. You'll have your screen time, and we'll be able to continue our plans of corrupting that spineless cook who's getting laid right now, and everyone will be happy." He squeezed the trigger, and a flame-colored bolt shot out, striking the man with the hero complex and sending him crashing down on the rooftop.

"Ow," the blonde mystery guy said as he picked himself up. "That's it. You've made a blonde unmasked hero angry. You're going to get it now. Behold!" He pulled out a pair of old aviator goggles and out them on. "Ike! TROMBE!"

Out of nowhere a huge black horse lands on top of the two evildoers, smashing them and their equipment into dust. And the apartment as well, because the horse was larger than a mobile suit, and made up of mythril. Fortunately, no one was in the apartment, which was inhabited by male and female college ronin, at that time. "Nice entrance, Trombe," the begoggled man said to the horse. "Good work."

"We're not out of trouble yet," the huge metal horse replied. "Mr. Zankantou was practicing on me, when you called. I leapt immediately, which sent the poor sot flying as well. He should be landing any time now."

"Ah, don't worry, DaiProsPector can fly."

"Not while he's drunk, he can't."

"He's what?"

"It was horrible. He staggers around the hangar area, in his machine, and tries to get on that Kung Fu Robot Unicorn. He got stabbed in the ass for that. Then he tried that Texas Robot Rodeo Horse, but he was too heavy, and the poor thing collapsed. He was trying to figure out how to mount the Armored Gunner Module when I called out to him and told him I was on the fourth bay from the door, left side."

As the horse predicted, a samurai-shaped speck began to grow larger as it descended at an alarming rate on the restaurant-turned-sex show den. The samurai now had its enormous two-handed sword out and was heard to be shouting, "I am the accountant that erases evil! Pedophilia is a perversion, but wild-monkey sex while mind controlled is evil! Be erased!"

"Ack! Trombe, we better move!" A hatch opened on the horse's belly, and the blonde man leapt into it, anime-style (but of course!). Trombe reared up, and sped off in an attempt to catch the sword-wielding drunk. When he decided that it was close enough, he called out, "Zankantou-sama!"

"Old friend?" the pilot of the plummeting (now in slow motion) samurai robot. "Is that you in the horse?"

"Zankantou-san, you must not crush that house below you!"

"But - the biofeedback is fuzzy, because of all the _sake_ I had earlier! The thrusters won't fire!"

"Don't worry, I have a plan! Zankantou-san, I want you to ride me!"

"NANI!"

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!" squealed a busload of yaoi fangirls nearby. "SUTEKI!"

"Ride Trombe, and we will execute the Whirlwind Anti-Ship Sword!" the masked man cried out over the noise.

"But what is the target!"

"We'll worry about that later when you land on Trombe's back! Let's just do it!"

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!" came the squeals again, shaking the bus in its intensity. "SUGOI DESU!"

So, amid lots of squealing, with a great lunge Trombe caught the DaiProsPector squarely on its broad back. "WHIRLWIND-!" the blonde shouted.

"ANTI-SHIP SWORD!" the other pilot shouted. For some brief moments, DaiTrombe transformed itself into a caped humanoid robot. It threw its cape about, blocking out the sun and shrouding the place in darkness. Lightning flashed in the murk, and in the strobe-like lighting a rough pillar of stone rose, upon which a huge mounted figure sat on an equally large steed. The darkness was suddenly dispelled as the horse reared up on its hind legs, pummeled the air with its front legs, then leaped from its perch and hit the ground running.

The now-mounted samurai took its sword, slid the blade under the bus and flipped it into the air. Then with a great heave, Trombe leapt up sharply, as the DaiProsPector brought its weapon down, edge first, onto the bus, slamming it down into the pavement. The bus was cleaved in half, but Mr. Zankantou was not done yet. "CHESUTOOO!" he cried out, and the pavement under the halves of the bus exploded, obliterating the bus and its occupants utterly.

Surveying the destruction, or rather, computing the property damage, DaiProsPector let its weapon shrink to a more reasonable size. The hatch on Trombe's belly swung down, and the blonde slid out, and told his friend, "I'm going to check on some people, Zankantou-san. Don't go anywhere." DaiProsPector waved a hand, and the blonde left.

He made his way into the restaurant, careful to wear a gas mask before opening the door. No one was in the business end of the restaurant - most of the neighborhood was in a crowd, staring at the destruction and its cause. He made his way to the living area of the place, and saw a naked couple tangled on the sofa. Recalling what the villains had said, he decided that he was a tad too late - one of the couch cushions was stained with human, and if he was not mistaken virgin, blood. "But whose?" he thought. The young man certainly looked spineless, even as he frowned in his sleep, but he was with a girl so maybe- he shook his head to clear it of weird thoughts.

He had to do what he came here to do. He touched the young man's shoulder with a gloved hand, and to his satisfaction the young man quickly startled himself awake, which made the young woman lying on him murmur "You insatiable beast, at least give me a break first," and rub her cheek on his shoulder.

Akito stared at the ugly masked guy looming over him and his first words were, "Please, don't tell me I'll see it on the Net tomorrow!"

The man in the gas mask sweatdropped. "What do you think I am, boy? I am a defender of justice (TM)!"

"You don't look like one!" Akito whispered fiercely.

"It's because I don't want to go fuck-crazy like you did and tear into the nearest available woman like you did! Say, who is she anyway? Is that your girlfriend?"

"She's - she's my childhood friend, and if you touch her you die, I promise."

"You must love her a lot, then. Take my advice - get air-conditioning for this joint, don't go on a shuttle trip ever after you're married to each other, and everything will be fine, or my name isn't Ratsuel Feinschmecker."

A black-robed monk, complete with sakkat and ringed staff, appeared and said two words, "It isn't," then screamed as Ratsuel (is it really?) shot him down with a six-shooter. The corpse disintegrated, leaving not even dust behind.

"W-wha? I don't understand. You're not with those monks?"

"What monks?" the blonde asked, alert.

"Like the one you just annihilated!" Akito hissed.

"Oh. Never seen them before, save for now." Ratsuel took a seat opposite the couch and watched Akito intently.

"What!" Akito demanded.

"You're a chef?" Ratsuel asked.

"Nothing so fancy - I'm a simple cook, and I run and own this restaurant."

"I see. And your girlfriend? What does she do?"

"Ah, she's an ex-ship captain, graduated top of her class from the academy. Last time I heard, she said she was going to try becoming an idol. And she's not my girlfriend, she's just a friend."

"A friend huh? Since childhood, is it? A friend you just casually have sex with on the couch, who gave her virginity to you? My, that's a real good friend."

Akito turned red. Yurika chose this moment to wake up fully, and upon seeing Ratsuel, she did what any normal girl would do upon being discovered naked on top of her boyfriend - she screamed loud enough to shake the rafters, jolting Gai and Hikaru upstairs to wakefulness as well. Pulling their clothes on and trying to make it appear that they hadn't done the nasty in a hurry, they hurried down the steps to see what Yurika was screaming her head off for.

Mr. Zankantou walked in on them then, without a gas mask, taking in the weird scene. Ratsuel was confronting two people, and behind him was a naked couple, a boy and a girl, hugging each other, looking bewildered at the going-on. Hell, he couldn't blame the naked couple. He decided to get an explanation before he felt the urge to draw his katana and go amok. "I want answers and some food, and if I don't get them immediately, blood will flow!"

That was enough to bring all the noise to a halt. Sounding drunk, while fingering the hilt of a sheathed katana, did have its uses, the white-haired swordsman thought. Nothing like some peace and tranquility after destroying a busload of –

"Hey, you're that pedophile-looking person that was in here in the other episode!" Akito said, springing up from the couch and Yurika's embrace, forgetting his state of undress. Yurika quickly tried to cover her nudity with her hair and her hands, only to end up looking yummier.

Not that Mr. Zankantou noticed. He pointed the sheathed blade at the naked cook. "You and your wife better have some clothes on when I count to a hundred or else."

Akito took the hint and Yurika's hand as well, and raced upstairs to his room.

Ruri was sitting up on her bed, looking at the clock on the bedside table. She never slept this late, and the clock told her it would be noon in just a few minutes. "You awake?" she asked, not bothering to look at the one she was talking to.

"Yes. Something must have happened," Lapis replied. "Something tells me to not go into the first floor."

"You have that feeling too?" Ruri asked, and Lapis nodded. "Then, what's the worst case scenario?"

"A murderer is lurking downstairs?" Lapis theorized.

"No. There is something worse than that. Have you heard of what a fate worse than death is?"

"No," came Lapis' simple reply. Ruri leaned over and whispered into her ear, and she cried out, "No way! That's impossible!"

"It is possible. Take it from me, some men are attracted to light hair" – a sneeze came from downstairs – "light eyes" – another sneeze – "tiny hips" – sneeze – "and flat chests." As if to finally punctuate Ruri's litany, a very loud sneeze came from below. They heard an unfamiliar voice shout, "For cripe's sake, if you're gonna sneeze, don't do it where I'm working! Does all that martial arts training decrease your common sense?"

They heard Hikaru ask, "Mr. Zankantou, do you have any allergies?" They couldn't make out the reply, or if there was one. The door opposite theirs opened – Papa-san's room, they thought in unison, surely he'll take care of this – and they heard him call out, "Oi, Yurika, are you done yet?" A female voice answered, "Mou! It's not so easy to move around to get dressed, after the things you did to me. I'm still sore, you know, so you better give me some consideration!"

Ruri faced Lapis. "Get dressed. We're going down there. Wherever Papa-san is going couldn't be that bad, right?" Without another word, they changed, waited for Akito's and Yurika's footfalls to recede, and then followed.

They reached the living room – no one was there, but there was a weird stench there. Then they heard noises from the dining room, noises and conversation. It didn't sound like a battlefield, so they decided to just innocently stroll in.

Ratsuel noticed the pair. "Ah, Mr. Owner, you didn't tell me you had kids – from your first marriage, I assume?"

Yurika looked up, saw the kids, and froze. Even the tea near her plate turned to ice. In clipped tones and a frosty voice, she said, "Akito. You will explain this, yes?"

Mr. Zankantou's attention was on the girls as well, but for a different reason entirely. It's best not to know what those reasons are, but one persistent rumor going around is that Mr. Zankantou is a rabid fan of Akihabara Dennougumi and Aishiteruze Baby.

Akito shrugged his shoulders. "They're Ruri and Lapis Lazuli, my adopted daughters." He even tried his secret technique he learned from the Tome of Apocrypha, the legendary "Ueda Smile of Disarmament," but it didn't seem to thaw Yurika one bit.

"And you neglected to tell me this before we -"

Ratsuel plopped down a covered platter loudly on the table, successfully spoiling the moment. "Well, now that the kids are awake, let's invite them to sup with us. And now, I present to you, _Paella Trombe_!"

_Paella Trombe_, Akito noted, was your basic _paella, _though this one had black olives, black beans, a lot of red bits, and very yummy looking. He remembered Houmei-san's story, that the saffron was the key to good _paella,_ and upon tasting a bite, he fell on to his knees by Ratsuel's chair. "Please, master, teach me!"

Everyone on the table laughed, except the kids, and Ratsuel. When the laughter subsided, Ratsuel told him seriously, "I don't take students, especially restaurant owners whose names I haven't been given yet."

"Gomen nasai! I'm Akito Tenkawa, specialty is Tenkawa-style Special Ramen! Please train me! My ramen is the only shining point in my record!"

"Don't be so modest – a cook who only does ramen well is not going to have a well-kept restaurant like this. Your other dishes must be excellent as well, and I can tell you're the only cook in the house other than me."

"Ahem," Mr. Zankantou interjected.

"Shut up, Zankantou-san. You can hardly equate foraging with real cuisine, and roasting a lizard over an open fire can hardly be called gourmet," he rebuked his friend without ardor. Mr. Zankantou smiled, as if enjoying the memory.

Gai asked, "How do you reckon that the rest of us aren't cooks?"

"By the calluses on your hands," Ratsuel explained, sounding as if he was talking to a child. "Look, your hands tells me that you spend time gripping stuff hard, heavy stuff for that matter – no markings of oils splats or constant exposure to heat. Hers," pointing to Hikaru, "are mainly on the ends of the fingers – someone still writes with pens, I see. Again, no heat damage. Same with the kids, the heat things. Mr. Zankantou has extensive callus patterns that come from either chopping wood for 15 years growing up, or by kendo training under a real combative school. This lady, here, has the prettiest set of hands - no trace of hardship whatsoever," he paused to lift one of Yurika's hands for all to see, and he gave it a kiss before setting it down, causing her to blush slightly. He continued, "Now, this cook glaring at me, well, he has it all – knife nicks, bad skin around the nails, and if I'm not mistaken, marks from accidentally picking up hot lids unprotected. Pretty much like mine," he concluded, showing his own hand. _"Quod est demonstratum."_

"Papa-san, that man's been staring at me all the while," Lapis said plaintively, staring back at Mr. Zankantou.

"Down, boy, down," Ratsuel said to Mr. Zankantou. He turned to look at the gourmet, his eyes pleading, but the blonde was firm. "Your hair will go white-"

"My hair _is_ already white, Ratsuel," came the terse reply.

"Figure of speech. It's time we took our leave, anyway – the SDF might have towed Trombe and DaiProsPector while we were here, visiting with Tenkawa." Ratsuel rose and headed for the door, taking a mournful looking Mr. Zankantou with him. "And Tenkawa, remember what I said – don't let your childhood friend go, stay away from shuttles after you've married her, and you'll live to see your grandkids – barring another alien invasion, but who cares about those obnoxious aliens? And yes, I might decide to give you a test – if you pass it, I might consider taking you under my tutelage."

"You will? When can I expect it?" Akito asked eagerly.

"When you marry that fine-looking blue-haired childhood friend of yours, anytime after that. And if you have any more questions about today, the answers are in this envelope." Ratsuel replied. With that, he and Mr. Zankantou left them to the _paella, _and to have a much needed talk.

Akito called out after him. "Wait! I haven't even told you what the questions are, how can you answer them?"

Without looking back, Ratusel replied, "As the wise men once said, 'Ask and you shall be answered.' That's what a hero's envelope does, at any rate."

"Heroes' envelope?" Yurika asked.

Ratsuel stopped. "Yes. It's a useful plot device, making the next episode's flashback sequence seem reasonable."

"Hold up! Why do you know of the fourth wall?" Ruri asked.

The blonde resumed walking, and called back over his shoulder, "I'm not known as the 'mysterious gourmet' for nothing."


End file.
